Day 51 With Dora

I’m pretty tired. We walked around 5 miles today, split between 2 different walks. Why? 

  1. The temperature was 30 degrees higher today than yesterday.
  2. Generation 2 in Pokémon GO released last night.

I haven’t actually seen these before, since I stopped watching the show before they reached these guys, and I never owned a Gameboy.

Overall, I’ve caught 12 new ones so far today, which is decent progress.

As a side effect, Dora has gotten a really good amount of exercise, and she is napping very well now. She sniffed so many things, saw several people and their dogs, scared about 45 geese into a pond, and had a great time. In general, she is getting much better at walking on a leash, but I need to be better at consistency with correcting her pulling.

Some days, I have the energy and time to make her stop when she pulls and to stand there until she relaxes enough to be ready to keep walking. On other days, I just want to walk. Today… today was more of the latter. But consistency matters most in teaching Dora to walk nicely, so I should try to do better.

Otherwise, I logged into Duolingo for the first time in a while and discovered they have chat bots for French now! 

I enjoyed talking to them more than I probably should, but they just rolled with my typos and underwhelming fluency. (Though I still maintain that if someone asked me “Do you want a sandwich or a salad?” and I said “A sandwich, please,” they would understand me even though it was a grammatical fragment.) 😑 Oh well. 

It has been a pretty good day mentally and physically. 


Happy Birthday to Me

I’m taking the day off for my birthday. It’s been a decent day, honestly.

I walked Dora this morning.

We caught a Chansey, which is nice since I’ve never seen one before today.

I’m going to go play some music. See you tomorrow, probably.

Day 43 With Dora

I’m having a big episode today. Fear of the call hit me like a hurricane. Crying, dissociation, mild paralysis, repeated forgetfulness, exhaustion… it’s been rough.

I didn’t want to run from the call, so I made it myself. Terrified. Crying during the hold music. Squeezing the corner of my pillow with full strength. But I did it. The Flutenist helped me find the address and the specific info I needed during the call. I remembered my birthday through the thick mental fog. I did it. 

I took the car today and dropped The Flutenist off at work. (I need to take the laughs where I can find them. 😏) Dora and I went to the park to walk and play Pokémon GO- they boosted the spawn rate for many pink pokémon, and I need most of the fairy-types, so it’s good for me.

We walked a bit and I caught several jigglypuffs, a koffing, a lickitung, and more. It was good. I evolved my first wigglytuff today. I hoped that the play session would ease the tension by working my body and resting my mind. It didn’t.

I started to drive home but realized that I was in horrible shape, so I pulled back into the parking lot. Took off my gloves. My coat. My scarf. My retainer trays. Drank some of the coffee in my thermos. Wiped the fog off my glasses. Tied up my hair with on of The Flutenist’s old hair ties that he left in our car. Petted Dora. Caught a pikachu. Breathed. Breathed. Took a picture of Dora.

Self checks. Positive self talk. Affirmation of the situation. I started to drive home.

Should I get gas on the way home? Only 60 miles until it’s empty. Dropped 20 miles so far today. Panic! Anxiety! Can’t do it! Need to go home but need not to go home! Bubbling up, ready to erupt. Shutdown.

‘Just go home,’ I told myself. ‘It’s ok.’

And I tried to, but along the way, I needed to repeatedly punch myself in the leg to stay attached to reality. *punch* Reconnect! *punch* Reconnect! *punch* Reconnect! I drove one handed while it was snowing because I had to.

I got close to home and realized I needed to eat. I had to force feed myself dinner yesterday because I was too overloaded to feel hungry. For lunch today, I wasn’t hungry and I knew I wouldn’t have any motivation to cook. So I went to a drive thru.

I found my wallet. Picked food. Answered questions. Paid. Made space for the food on the front seat (now buried under my clothes and purse). I counted the trims until my driveway and coached myself through each one. “Four turns left,” I said aloud. “You’re doing great. Preparing for the first turn… only three turns left.”

I coached myself home. Then I verbally guided myself through collecting all the items in the car and Dora and making it to the porch. Then I told myself how to unlock the door. Then I talked my way through putting down all of the items and transitioning to lunch.

And I ate it. And I watched anime. And I petted Dora. And now I’m blogging. But I still feel off, like my eyes won’t focus. Like my brain won’t work. 

All because this morning, I needed to make a single phone call.

Days 12-14 With Dora

Quick recap:

  • Day 12: I’m so scared of training what if I can’t do it what if it goes wrong I wish I didn’t get nauseous when I’m stressed this is pathetic my brain says it should be ok why won’t my emotions listen what’s wrong with me aaaaaaaagh.
  • Day 13: First half was more of yesterday’s mess. Second half… why was I scared of this? That went really well. I talked to people, Dora was fine, the trainer is friendly. It’s ok. Breathe. Breathe.
  • Day 14 (today): My friend came over to hang out during her break at work. Dora and I went to the park, walked for 30 minutes, and caught 2 Paras, 1 Vulpix, and 1 Drowzee. (I was being a bit more discerning today, plus it’s hard to throw pokeballs accurately with a dog tugging your arm at random intervals, so we mostly walked.) I played video games. I folded two loads of laundry. I emptied and started reloading the dishwasher. I picked up my husband from work on time. The three of us did some leash training in Lowes.

So, it’s been really, really bad, then pretty ok. Then last night, I realized that my life is ok- it’s not going to be ok someday, but it is ok right now. That was really weird, I have to say. Today went pretty smoothly overall, and it was nice to finish tasks I haven’t had time for the last few days.

I wrote my second week’s training log a bit ago, so I’m going to relax now.

Pokemon GO (Going Outside)

I started playing Pokemon GO a couple of weeks ago. It was amazing when I first started playing. It’s silly, I know, but augmented reality is pretty exciting. It feels a bit like magic in stories: the protagonist lives their life in a mundane routine, and then one day, they realize that there is so much more than they’ve ever seen. It really feels like a hidden world layered on top of the normal one. I love it.

In one day, I went from pretty much hiding indoors to walking several miles a day around my neighborhood. This is kind of significant. I have no flowers or landscaping because my neighbors live too close to me, and I don’t feel like I own the space. I also only walked around the nearby pond during the rain, because when the sun is out, other people are out there, and I felt like I was intruding. I couldn’t mow the lawn because people could see me. Some days, I couldn’t go get my mail because I might be seen. It was bad.

But for the last few weeks, I’ve been eager to walk, even though people can see me. Even though people can probably tell that I’m an adult playing Pokemon GO (which is somewhat shameful, albeit quite common around here). Even though I am sweaty and disgusting-looking during this heat wave. It doesn’t matter. I just want to catch things, to collect them, to hatch them, to move.

I stretch. I drink about 60 oz of water a day. My muscles are sore, from my legs through my chest and arms. I get antsy if I sit still for too long. It’s good for me, except for my need to drive to reach pokestops. I can usually make time to walk, but I can’t always just drive around on a whim. And I need to find places to park so that I can walk and play- I do not play Pokemon GO while driving, even though it would make it easier to find locations in augmented reality. So, I’m either stuck with the 3 hotspots that I know of, or I need to fins a friend or family member who will drive me somewhere, even though I’m just going to click frantically on pokestops as they drive briskly past them.

Well, anyway, I’ll keep walking and playing for as long as I can, and I do hope that I’ll become healthier and happier as a result. Wish me luck! Sileko out.