Days 5&6 With Dora 

I missed yesterday. I meant to write, but well, I guess life got in the way. I had a flare up, as it were, and when my health is bad, it spreads to my husband, which reflects back to me, and it can be a really caustic resonance cycle if it isn’t stopped. 

We made it through somehow. And then we had a friend over and spent hours raiding a Christmas-themed ship before getting utterly lost aboard a pirate ship and winding up in a castle. (Only with video games would that be possible.)

Dora was… well, she’s a dog. A young dog. She’s excited and getting used to a new home and there are still bumps. We are trying to learn her routine and figure out why she has started barking, and it stresses me out. But it will be fine. It is fine. This is normal.

We got her licensed and scheduled her vet appointment and we’ve got her first obedience training (with me) lined up. It’s flowing. Which scares me, but everything scares me, so that emotional feedback isn’t useful for decision making.

I decided to commit to this, to accept her, and so of course I spent most of last night waking up terrified that she was relieving herself on my carpet or eating my belongings. It’s ok. This is normal. It’s ok.

Sink or swim, I am going to learn to move faster, without fully developed and quadruple-checked plans, and to accept outcomes that are fine but different than anticipated. Dora is already breaking my illusions of control. I will also have to find something to do with myself now that I’m being forced to connect with all the hours in my day. It’s difficult, but I’m not breaking. 

Maybe I’m stronger than I think.


Act 5- The Meltdown

Three days ago, we were fighting a war, and I decided to spend some gems on a battle. Gems are the premium currency- the ones that you spend money to purchase or earn for free by watching ads. For weeks, I have been watching ads to earn gems, and I usually spend them on upgrading my base or opening chests to get gear. Sometimes, I spend them on guild events, if I feel like it.

I was fine with that.

But then, I looked in guild chat, and saw that one of our members had asked me to spend gems on the fight and thanked me for doing so. And I was pissed. Because this guild member tried to get us to kick half of the guild, felt very entitled to promotions, is very elitist and arrogant, brags about his real life, and has been kicked from the guild once already for his behavior. (He got back in because our leader wanted to give him another chance, and she has since returned his promotion.)

No one has a right to insist that someone else spends money on an app. Ever.

No one has a right to demand that someone else sacrifice so that he might have better rewards. Ever.

Selfish little child. (I also know the user’s age, which is one of those things that shouldn’t be shared online.) So I know that he is young enough to be egocentric and too young for me to listen to, even were he in any type of authority over me. Still, it’s mostly the attitude that determines my lack of respect.

I was upset and hurt. I lashed out in guild chat- told him he has no right to boss me around and that I can choose what to spend my time and money on. I logged off. I deleted Line. I cried with my husband. I went to sleep.

Accepting Her Imperfection

This is the third time my cat Kuno has knocked down our curtains and the second curtain rod she’s broken. It’s really frustrating because it’s one of those things that go wrong that is completely outside of my control. I usually get frantic when things just explode in my face like this.

There’s nothing I can do, really. She wants to see out the windows, which is fine. I’ve never seen her pull them down, so I don’t know how to accommodate her. I cannot prevent it from happening again without getting rid of my curtains, and I want to keep my curtains because they’re lively.

I feel powerless, and powerlessness makes me panic. I run back and forth between my two bad options and want to cry because it’s lose-lose. So I panic and shut down. It seems like it’s all I can do.

I have left those curtains on the floor for a few hours, just… Too overwhelmed to deal with them. But I will do what I can. I will bend back the rod and rehang the curtains. I will leave them more open so she can get to the windowsill. And I will hope for the best.

And just keep going.