It’s hard to say where I am with this issue right now. When I try to ask myself “How do you feel about your husband surpassing you in something by a wide margin? How do you feel about him becoming very skilled in an area that you have very little experience in?”… when I ask these questions, all I feel is chaos.
Here’s what I know so far:
- It is good for him to be driven to learn and grow.
- I want to be supportive, but I’m not there yet.
- Most of my issues come from feeling insecure, as though lack of skill is the same as lack of value.
- I don’t need to be the best at everything.
- I can’t succeed at everything, and that’s ok.
- Sometimes, factors besides talent and effort determine how well someone will do.
So, where does that leave me now? I think I should feel better than I do, and that I should be more secure. After all, no one around me is expecting me to pursue the same thing as my husband. All of the people around me truly do expect me to find my own way and live my own life. There is absolutely no pressure for me to learn this skill too. There is also nothing preventing me from learning it if I wanted to.
I am completely free to do what I want here, so why do I feel trapped?
I guess I’ll just move onto the next assumption.
3. Performance is the same thing as ability.
One of the common responses to high performing children is to immediately equate their performance with their ability. “You got 100% on that test- you’re so smart!” It seems beneficial, or neutral at least, but it can really set those kids up for future problems. After all, if I succeeded because of my ability, then when I fail, it must also be because of my ability. If I do well because I am smart, then I fail because I am dumb.
Sometimes, people who believe in this connection will work even harder than before once their performance drops, because they are terrified of feeling like a failure. In my case, I have pushed myself very, very hard before and still failed at my task. I have crumbled down in despair because I had internalized the performance=ability correlation. I have gone to some very dark places because my value and ability were tied to my performance. I was worthless. I was empty. I was very close to ending it all. Because I had nothing to pursue and nothing to offer but pain.
I’ve been aware of the jagged, rusty edges on this assumption for a while, so at least with this issue, I’m not wandering in unfamiliar territory. I know in my mind that my performance doesn’t reflect my value. In my heart… I suppose that it’s fairly clear as well, but there are days when the old thoughts are triggered, and all at once, I’m back in my old mindset, staring down some new “failure.” It’s a process, and I am definitely making my way on this issue. Step by step, each time that it comes up, I just keep going.
What else could I do? My life is on the line here, and it’s worth fighting for.