Day 43 With Dora

I’m having a big episode today. Fear of the call hit me like a hurricane. Crying, dissociation, mild paralysis, repeated forgetfulness, exhaustion… it’s been rough.

I didn’t want to run from the call, so I made it myself. Terrified. Crying during the hold music. Squeezing the corner of my pillow with full strength. But I did it. The Flutenist helped me find the address and the specific info I needed during the call. I remembered my birthday through the thick mental fog. I did it. 

I took the car today and dropped The Flutenist off at work. (I need to take the laughs where I can find them. 😏) Dora and I went to the park to walk and play Pokémon GO- they boosted the spawn rate for many pink pokémon, and I need most of the fairy-types, so it’s good for me.

We walked a bit and I caught several jigglypuffs, a koffing, a lickitung, and more. It was good. I evolved my first wigglytuff today. I hoped that the play session would ease the tension by working my body and resting my mind. It didn’t.

I started to drive home but realized that I was in horrible shape, so I pulled back into the parking lot. Took off my gloves. My coat. My scarf. My retainer trays. Drank some of the coffee in my thermos. Wiped the fog off my glasses. Tied up my hair with on of The Flutenist’s old hair ties that he left in our car. Petted Dora. Caught a pikachu. Breathed. Breathed. Took a picture of Dora.

Self checks. Positive self talk. Affirmation of the situation. I started to drive home.

Should I get gas on the way home? Only 60 miles until it’s empty. Dropped 20 miles so far today. Panic! Anxiety! Can’t do it! Need to go home but need not to go home! Bubbling up, ready to erupt. Shutdown.

‘Just go home,’ I told myself. ‘It’s ok.’

And I tried to, but along the way, I needed to repeatedly punch myself in the leg to stay attached to reality. *punch* Reconnect! *punch* Reconnect! *punch* Reconnect! I drove one handed while it was snowing because I had to.

I got close to home and realized I needed to eat. I had to force feed myself dinner yesterday because I was too overloaded to feel hungry. For lunch today, I wasn’t hungry and I knew I wouldn’t have any motivation to cook. So I went to a drive thru.

I found my wallet. Picked food. Answered questions. Paid. Made space for the food on the front seat (now buried under my clothes and purse). I counted the trims until my driveway and coached myself through each one. “Four turns left,” I said aloud. “You’re doing great. Preparing for the first turn… only three turns left.”

I coached myself home. Then I verbally guided myself through collecting all the items in the car and Dora and making it to the porch. Then I told myself how to unlock the door. Then I talked my way through putting down all of the items and transitioning to lunch.

And I ate it. And I watched anime. And I petted Dora. And now I’m blogging. But I still feel off, like my eyes won’t focus. Like my brain won’t work. 

All because this morning, I needed to make a single phone call.


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