The days seem longer already. I wonder if it’s because I can’t check out of reality and try to speed through the hours until my husband gets home. Instead, I have to pay attention to each hour, checking Dora’s wellbeing and following the rhythm of her life.
Sometimes, my tasks fit into her routine. Sometimes, my plans have to change suddenly because she needs something. And even though I usually can’t handle sudden shifts, it has been ok, because it has to be. Did she just barf on the floor? Then it needs to be cleaned up now. And there’s another load of laundry for the rug. It doesn’t matter if I think I can or not. It needs to be done, so it gets done.
I used to be able to focus on tasks (on days when I actually had enough energy to start them), and to follow them through to the end. Yesterday, I had to stop folding laundry because it was Dora’s play time. Several loads just waited for me. I folded them today when she took a nap. And. It. Was. Fine.
My plans changed drastically. I couldn’t keep my word. I couldn’t follow through. But it was a small task, and so the consequences were small. To be honest, they didn’t actually matter either way.
I “failed,” and it was fine.
So I guess I have to ask: “If my plans fall through, and it feels like I have failed, but nothing actually happens because of it, is it really a failure? Am I really a failure?”
Just a few days ago, a decoration that I mounted on the wall fell down. Nothing broke. No one was hurt. The total effects were: a loud sound and the decoration being on the floor. To me, it was awful; I was depressed and stressed out over my inability, the way things had changed, my powerlessness, the foiling of my desire to improve my surroundings. I wanted to give up. To stop caring about my home entirely. No need to clean. No need to hang up anything else. No need to wash anything. It’s all futile and only fools set themselves up for pain over and over again.
But… maybe it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe it was fine. Maybe my value isn’t affected by decorations falling off of walls after I put them there.
I don’t actually believe that it isn’t. I just… how do I say this… I’m starting to feel like I should believe it.