Some Time Alone

I came to the point where I had to shut Kuno in a different room for a while. She wants outside constantly, and she’ll scratch at everything she thinks might let her out. The doors. The blinds. The Windows. The screens. The curtains. The couch (but I don’t know how that one will help).

We went out with the leash and harness for a while, and it was fine until she started to work her way free from the straps. I had to carry her back to the house, and of course, she tried to attack me over it. Because she hates me for the horrible crime of not wanting her to be hit by a car and of not wanting her to be attacked by the neighbor’s dog, since they’ve told me that she’s usually not good with other animals. 

I got her inside, but then she wouldn’t let me take the harness off, and I don’t want her getting tangled up in the straps, so I had to force the issue. She attacked again. 

She was yowling at the windows and all, and I thought ‘Maybe she misses having them open. Maybe this extra stress is coming from me deciding to shut them last week.’ I opened them, and within a few minutes, she was clawing at the screens again. (That’s why I stopped opening them for her in the first place.) I swept her off the window sill, and she got her claws caught in the curtains, so the rod bent again. 

I couldn’t take it. I slammed the windows. Turned on the air conditioning. Tried to fix the curtain rod. Put the curtains back up. Got myself lunch. Pretended I couldn’t hear her crying at the window. Rinsed my dishes. Shut myself in my bedroom with some chocolate covered coffee beans. Watched her paw slide under the door.

Texted my parents to see if they would take her back. They said yes. And I cried.

Stupid cat. I try so, so hard to make her life better, because I look at her traumatic past and current struggles, and I see my traumatic past and my struggles. I try to be kind to her so I can learn to be kind to myself. I try to give her space to learn things (like cars aren’t dangerous monsters so you can stop panicking during rides, and not all strange sounds are dangerous so be brave and investigate the world). I buy her toys and cat furniture. Nice food. Treats. I try to play with her. I try to attract birds to the yard for her to watch. 

I do what I can. It’s just not enough.

Her stress-triggered chronic illness has been active constantly since October, which can’t be good for her. I’m losing sleep because she’s restless at night, and she likes to paw at the curtains at 3 am. And my nerves are becoming frayed the longer that this goes on.

I don’t know what to do. I still care about Kuno, and sometimes, she’s very sweet. Sometimes we get along too. So I cried when I thought about losing her, but I also don’t know if I can keep her.


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