Saying “No”

I was invited to dinner with some people tonight- the invitation came yesterday, and the dinner is tonight. My immediate thought was to say “yes,” but I decided to wait instead of answering immediately.

This morning, I got up and thought I would go- that I should send a text before lunch and say “yes.” But lunch drew closer, and I started to feel sick. Lunch passed, and I was still keeping busy so I didn’t have to think about it.

At 2:00, I forced myself to sit still and think about it. I discovered that I don’t want to go. That I feel like an outsider. That I don’t want to answer even more questions about my marriage- the huge rush of people asking about my relationship during my engagement/shortly after my wedding was really hard for me. Most of these people weren’t usually involved in my life, so why did they expect me to talk about an intensely personal subject with them all of a sudden?! My hesitance and refusal to discuss it was met with anything from confusion to anger.

I don’t want to face that again, just because I haven’t seen these people since… Since before I was engaged, I guess. If I knew that they wouldn’t take this chance to “catch up” or whatever phrase is appropriate to describe “asking questions to give the impression that one is involved in someone else’s life when the people who actually are involved in that person’s life already know this information.”

*sigh* In case it’s unclear, I have difficulty with social situations. Well, certain ones anyway. I just think I have the right to be private if I want to be. Others disagree with me, but that only reinforces my position, so…

Anyway, back to today. It wasn’t until 3:30 that I managed to send a text declining the invitation. I still feel sick. Because I’m not doing what was expected of me. Because I can’t come up with a good excuse for why I said “no,” and an honest explanation is… More than I am ready for.

It’s almost 4, and I’m scared that someone will still try to pick me up even though I said “no.” That I am not allowed to choose. That my desires aren’t important.

I was going to make soup today, but it’s taken me so long to decide this dumb issue that now I don’t have time any more. Stupid… Emotional scarring… And fear… And… And everything.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish I didn’t hurt so much.

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