Saying “No”

I was invited to dinner with some people tonight- the invitation came yesterday, and the dinner is tonight. My immediate thought was to say “yes,” but I decided to wait instead of answering immediately.

This morning, I got up and thought I would go- that I should send a text before lunch and say “yes.” But lunch drew closer, and I started to feel sick. Lunch passed, and I was still keeping busy so I didn’t have to think about it.

At 2:00, I forced myself to sit still and think about it. I discovered that I don’t want to go. That I feel like an outsider. That I don’t want to answer even more questions about my marriage- the huge rush of people asking about my relationship during my engagement/shortly after my wedding was really hard for me. Most of these people weren’t usually involved in my life, so why did they expect me to talk about an intensely personal subject with them all of a sudden?! My hesitance and refusal to discuss it was met with anything from confusion to anger.

I don’t want to face that again, just because I haven’t seen these people since… Since before I was engaged, I guess. If I knew that they wouldn’t take this chance to “catch up” or whatever phrase is appropriate to describe “asking questions to give the impression that one is involved in someone else’s life when the people who actually are involved in that person’s life already know this information.”

*sigh* In case it’s unclear, I have difficulty with social situations. Well, certain ones anyway. I just think I have the right to be private if I want to be. Others disagree with me, but that only reinforces my position, so…

Anyway, back to today. It wasn’t until 3:30 that I managed to send a text declining the invitation. I still feel sick. Because I’m not doing what was expected of me. Because I can’t come up with a good excuse for why I said “no,” and an honest explanation is… More than I am ready for.

It’s almost 4, and I’m scared that someone will still try to pick me up even though I said “no.” That I am not allowed to choose. That my desires aren’t important.

I was going to make soup today, but it’s taken me so long to decide this dumb issue that now I don’t have time any more. Stupid… Emotional scarring… And fear… And… And everything.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish I didn’t hurt so much.

Pottery Class 1

It’s been a while. Sorry. I’ve just been… A lot has been going on and losing contact with people has been happening a good deal. The only thing I want to write about right now is pottery class, so here we are.

Week One: My husband and I had gone to the open house for our local arts center and we got the chance to throw a bowl on electric wheels. The instructor went step by step with us and showed us each step individually. I followed along, and my bowl turned out really well. I was excited- I’m a natural! Woo! But of course, I didn’t get to keep the bowl because it was just part of an event. So that was a little sad, but I felt confident that I could make more. We signed up for the class.

Week Two: We got into the class and I went in with complete expectations to do just as well as I had at the open house. I didn’t. I destroyed 2 bowls. The teacher was different, an experienced potter with decades of experience, who seems to have forgotten how hard things can be for novices. Our personalities may not have meshed, but I just got so depressed between my failure and her teaching style… I left halfway through the class to cry in the bathroom. I had done so well the first time! How could I be failing now?! But I promised my husband that I would come back, so I did. And I tried again. And I destroyed that second bowl too, but it was one of the biggest successes of my life. Because I failed, but I didn’t give up. That choice has laid a foundation for all the progress I have made since.

I can write about that later, and once we reach a week that actually produced a pot, I will include pictures.