Returning to Routine

Well, it’s been a while for me, so this is weird for me. I told you guys once or twice that I write things ahead of time. I wrote the entire guild series on the same day.

Because it was a big deal to me.

Because it felt like a break up.

I had been ready to commit to these people, to remove my “leave guild” button (which isn’t possible). I overlooked my guild master flirting with someone while she was married. I ignored the pressures to play more or spend more money. I justified and rationalized as more and more lines were crossed. I let myself be taken advantage of in some ways.

And unfortunately, that type of thing is fairly similar to the relationships I’ve had in my past. (My husband is fortunately nothing like this, by the way.)

So I spammed through it all. And I ended up 40 days ahead.

In the mean time, I’ve wanted to write things, but I knew that it would take a long time for them to appear. So I didn’t.

I just… lived without talking to anyone about things. (Not that I’m actually part of a community here. I never reach out to any of you, so I prevent any connections from forming.)

So what am I doing now?

Well, I joined a new guild, and it’s been going ok so far. I uninstalled Line, so I can’t be reached when I don’t want to be reached. It also means that they haven’t gotten a chance to share the rules with me yet, which I am secretly enjoying. And instead of being in the top 3 members, I’m in one of the lower two tiers, with no commitment and no responsibility. It’s great.

My husband and I joined a pottery class, because I have always wanted to learn how to throw pots. So I’m trying it. But it’s hard for me to do something new- to fail something new- because all my life, I’ve gotten performance praise, not process praise, and I tried, really really tried to learn what was expected of me. My parents, my teachers, all the adults my life seemed to really want me to succeed, so I tried very hard to succeed. But then, what happens when I can’t succeed? What happens when no amount of effort or time can produce results? What happens to me then? Am I still worth anything if I can’t perform? (Of course not.)

So, I am trying to change my worldview by taking this class, but handling it differently than I would have before. The only way to fight experience is with new experience, after all. So my next class is tomorrow, and I am… apprehensive about it. It’s only the second class.

Today is January 28th. This entry goes live in one week. I don’t know what will happen next.

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