I’m consolidating files off of old hard drives onto my current computer, and I found this odd little file named “tidbit.” It looks like a poem, and I’m pretty sure that I wrote it. I mean, if they were song lyrics, I should remember the song, since it was important enough for me to type and save them for myself. So, without further ado, Tidbit:
Tears upon tears,
eyes never dry,
none to hold me,
none to wipe these eyes–
Blinded by pain,
eyes never dry,
my only relief.
The time stamp is February 23rd, 2005, 9:23 PM, and I have no idea what it means. I know that a year and a half before, I had said goodbye to my first love, so I don’t think the pain would have been terribly fresh. But pain is funny like that- no one can predict what will bubble up and when, so it’s possible. Of particular note is the burning question, What is “my only relief?” Constantly weeping? Is that it?!
What I do know for sure is… well, actually, I know a short list of things for certain:
- I had not yet realized that I had been living with depression my whole life.
- Unrequited love and/or the unfulfilled desire to be in a loving relationship with someone have been a running theme throughout my life.
- These words don’t resonate with me any more.
I know that this entry might not seem very deep or meaningful, but here’s why I thought that it was worth writing: I do not feel that sad any more; there are many hard days, but nothing so intense. I am not alone any more, nor do I really feel that alone.
Right now, if I am honest, and I cut out my emotional drift response*, I know that I have at least a handful of people who would hug me or sit with me while I cried if I needed them to, and I am learning to see alternatives beyond my pain or my experience.
I am moving, guys. This is real.