⭐️Note: This is a follow up entry for “‘I am…’ Part 1,” which was published two days ago.
I decided to write a new list as a kind of diagnostic activity. (Regarding the method: I just wrote the whole list in one sitting, in under 5 minutes, as a stream of consciousness.) So, am I getting better or worse? Has anything changed in 11 years? That’s what I wanted to find out. (See the full list above in the featured image.)
I obviously still like self-awareness, as I went out of my way to comment on my fears and insecurities. I also don’t like being defined by my roles, so I did not mention social ties, career or education achievements, or other things that might set up expectations from my audience (or even from myself). Roles are socially constructed, and thus artificial, anyway.
I see about 8 items that are fairly positive, or as postings as I ever am, I guess. I am looking to the future with hope, believing that things can get better, doing what I can to get there, and I am acknowledging my progress. That’s all good.
I also still have a ways to go; I am afraid that people will not approve of me, so I hide my brokenness and myself. I don’t talk to people who like me, even though they would probably be happy to hear from me. I am living a very small, isolated life.
Is it better? I think so. There are fewer sentences about pain and desperation, although the pain is still there. Are things changing? I guess so, but right now, it doesn’t feel like I am happy or free.
Overall, it’s a pretty bittersweet update.